The Red Phone
by did-you-reboot
Summary: The Aperture Science Red Phone Plan was supposed to be a measure against GLaDOS becoming sentient and godlike. Obviously that didn't work out. Who in the world was on the other end of the phone?


**The Red Phone**

(Who in the world was on the other end of the phone?)

* * *

><p>"All right, you girls are in for a treat today!" said a white-coated engineer as he led a group of young, enterprising, science-loving girls into the sprawling Central AI Chamber that housed Aperture Science's greatest creation to date: the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System. Granted, there had been numerous problems and difficult hurdles (not to mention a <em>little<em> bit of blood and death), but science wasn't about shrinking away out of fear of a little problem or thirty. They had finally managed to curb GLaDOS's thirst for human blood—just in time for Bring Your Daughter To Work Day—after attaching a few personality cores to her, and she even _wanted _to do science now. The personality core engineers were brilliant, to be sure, but even they had been shocked when GLaDOS turned out to be so cognitively capable that she wanted to move Schroedinger's cat experiment out of "thought experiment" status and into "actual scientific experiment" status.

And all she wanted were some boxes and a little neurotoxin. If her experiments were successful, its implications upon Aperture's work on quantum tunneling and the field of quantum mechanics in general would be enormous. Aperture Science might even be able to create a time travel device!

The little girls all _ooh_-ed and _ahh-_ed upon seeing the massive body of the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System hanging down in the center of the Central AI Chamber. "So, girls, meet GLaDOS," he said, indicating GLaDOS with a flourish of his arm.

"Hi, GLaDOS!" said a few of the girls, which made him chuckle.

"Ah, ah, GLaDOS isn't on right now, but we're going to turn her on so you can meet her," he said. He turned to the engineers finishing up their work at GLaDOS's body. "Hey Bill, you guys almost done there?"

"Just finished, actually. Are the girls ready? We're going to switch GLaDOS on now."

He turned back to the girls and grinned. "How about it, girls? You ready?"

"Yes!" they chimed back at him. They sure were adorable.

"Okay, Bill. Hit it!"

* * *

><p>Roger sighed when he heard the phone ring. He really loathed that thing. Day in, day out, talking to idiot employees that didn't know a keyboard from a coffee mug. One would think that a place like Aperture Science would have less of the idiot population and more of the non-idiot population, but sadly, this wasn't the case. They ("they" being upper management) had even given him <em>another<em> phone to take care of, and it was red and hadn't rung ever since they connected it at his cubicle. When he asked them why they did it, they mumbled something about cutting costs by having the help desk double up on phone duties and that the phone would never ring anyway.

Typical.

He sighed again as the red phone kept ringing. They promised him it wouldn't ring.

He really needed a new job.

"IT help desk, Roger here. How can I help you?"

"_WHAT THE HELL—ROGER? THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON THE PHONE?_"

"What the—I _work_ here! Who the hell is this?" said Roger irately. He could hear screaming in the background…Must be some party that whoever this angry person is calling from.

"_FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT IT OFF!"_

"Shut what off?" Roger asked, frowning.

"_GLaDOS! SHUT IT OFF! THE KILL SWITCH!"_

"Gladys…? Why are you calling the help desk?"

"_WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? OH GOD, THE NEUROTOXIN. MAKE IT STOP!"_

"Look," Roger said, frowning. "Did you try turning it off and on again?"

"_WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'M CALLING YOU FOR? TURN IT OFF!"_

"_Fine_, but I'm going to need a device id if you want me to control it remotely. You got one? Should be on top of the tower."

"_WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HIT THE KILL SWITCH! THE GIRLS—!"_

Roger hung his head in exasperation. "Look, I'm not trained how to troubleshoot a Gladys. Just unplug it so it'll reboot or give me the device id so I can do it remotely."

"_I'M TRYING—koff—TO TELL YOU—koffkoff—THAT WE CAN'T!_"

"Well, what do you want from me? I can't either. I'm going to have to open a ticket for Tier 2 to take a look at your Gladys. What's a good number a tech can call you at?"

"_SERIOUSLY—koff—I SWEAR TO GOD—koff—I am going to…haunt your ass—koffkoff—koffkoffkoff—"_

Silence.

"Hello? Hellooooo?" Roger said into the phone, rolling his eyes. Employees were such drama queens sometimes.

"_Hello, Aperture Science employee,_" came another voice. She sounded nice and wasn't yelling. Better already. "_The problem has been resolved. Thank you for your hard work._"

_Click._

"Huh," Roger said in mild surprise. He listened to the dial tone for a few moments before shrugging and turning to his computer to start typing a call log. "'Client called about issue with some sort of Gladys. Unable to reboot. Unsure what a Gladys is. Seems problem resolved on its own. No action taken.'"

Well, he wasn't about to complain. Free calls like this were great for his numbers.

* * *

><p><em>AN: So I was wondering why that Aperture Science Red Phone Plan thing didn't work out. I also work at a help desk (it sucks, but I'm saving money for school D: ), so I was sitting there writing Resolution in between calls and thought, "Man, how much would it suck if I had a call about a homicidal AI killing everyone in the room? People would be yelling at me! And then I'd have to open a ticket!"_

_Yeahh…_

_So usually at call center / help desk type places, they (management) keep track of how many calls you take every day, so your mission is usually to get the caller off the phone as fast as possible. It usually devolves into this: (1) Did you reboot it already?; (2) No, I mean, did you reboot it since you got this issue?; (3) Well, please reboot it; (4) Still doesn't work? Okay, give me your device id and I'll try to fix it; and if you can't fix it, (5) Okay, I can't fix it, I'm opening a ticket to Tier 2 so a tech can go out there._

_Opening a ticket sucks because it counts against your resolution percentage, at least where I work._

_Rinse, repeat. All day. Every day. I effing hate it. I almost wish we had a GLaDOS to troubleshoot at work. _

_Welp. Back to Resolution, then. XD_


End file.
